sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm passing your future prison.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
