My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
