He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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