yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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