Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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