I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
