Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
