Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
