my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize