What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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