dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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