What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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