My liver just broke up with me...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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