Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
