my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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