I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
