i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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