I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
