im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
