i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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