I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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