I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
