I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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