I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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