Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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