she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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