The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
