Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
