I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
