Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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