we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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