Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
