You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
