"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
