i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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