so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
