proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize