I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
