in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
