if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
