its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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