Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
