PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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