Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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