Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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