Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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