i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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