now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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