My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
