Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
