I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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