Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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