He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
