Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
