im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
