I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
two words...techno handjob
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
