can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
