There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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